Janie’s Blog

We are all at such individual, personal stages in our journey with creating our own families. This could be trying IVF for the first time, or the sixth because you’re a “poor responder” – how dare they label us that – or having had a miscarriage, or having realised that it’s time to accept our shape of ‘family’ might include dogs, step children, and a trips to India. I’m at the later end of the spectrum. It’s immense.
I no longer want to hear about people getting pregnant, or want to support another friend through IVF. It’s too heartbreaking. The lovely people at Fertility NZ have compassionately identified this, and are saying, “That’s okay”. How nice to feel valid, in a journey that is anything but valid or fair.
I’ve recently met three women (indirectly through Fertility NZ) who are in exactly the same boat as me; in fact they’re in the same class of accommodation, on the same deck, with identical rooms that do not overlook the children’s play area. We’re from all over New Zealand and walks of life. They’ve saved me really. We talk about how shitty life can be, and how we don’t know ourselves anymore. I don’t need to try and be cheerful if I don’t want to be. We support each other in a way that even our closest and dearest friends can’t. And we have some fantastic laughs. Also, they don’t feel sorry for me the way the rest of society can.
Dealing with sadness (I still can’t say that word ‘grief’ without grimacing) is not something we’re trained in. Our partners secretly want us to get over it and it feels so heavy sometimes we think it’ll squish us. And sometimes we want it to. I hate clichés but being able to share all this without the earth falling is quite special.
This blog is to connect you with others. It’s for you to share those really dark moments, and moments of insanity (like wanting to steal children from supermarkets!). It’s for when you want to cry into an email about how your sister doesn’t understand why you won’t go to a family get together because your cousin has just had a baby and if you saw your grandmother gently hold it in her arms, your heart would break. Again.
If you are facing a new shape to your life, and want to talk to other women, give this blog a go. There’s no hurry to make a new best friend. Be being bitingly honest and something will ease. It’s over to you. I’ll check in every now and again.
Kia kaha my friends – you’re not alone, and never will be.


59 comments so far

  1. Sarah on

    Loved your blog. I never thought that by trying to start a family I would lose the family I had. Unfortunately, I understand and have felt every word you’ve said. Dreading christmas gets worse every year. This year my parents finally have grandchildren and I feel like a complete cow for not joining in but my heart won’t take it. Thank you for sharing I feel little less alone now.

    • Janie on

      Hi Sarah. Hey sorry I haven’t replied. I didn’t actually know it had turned into a real blog. How did your Xmas turn out? I only had one spout of sobbing in my sisters toilet – not bad going for me. Our sense of family is being put through the ringer eh. People can be so insensitive eh. I’m thinking of organising a hui next year where women like us can get together and have a girls weekend. Something fun – not a therapy session – just fun, and a whole weekend to be ourselves and not feel like freaks. If you’re keen, the blog I’ve started for it is
      http://www.happyhappyjoyjoynz.blogspot.com I look forward to hearing from you. Janie.

  2. Robyn on

    I’ve been on my (our) journey through infertility for almost four years now and have just found out this week that my ovarian reserves are extremely low (0.2). My hopes have taken a knock but I’m not ready to give up yet. I now feel like I’m starting another stage in the journey, with what may be a long haul ahead… so the possibility of a support network with others on this journey is timely.

  3. Angie on

    Right there with you Janie! I haven’t found support in NZ for the option of stepping off the baby-making roller coaster, dealing with the “sadness” of coming to this decision and then, somehow, moving forward. I recently read a great little book called “Sweet grapes: How to stop being infertile and start living again” by Jean & Michael Carter I’ve found the concepts helpful – it may help others out there too.

  4. Jan on

    I too am at the end of my infertility journey (7 years), having endured 5 IVF cycles and miscarriages. I identified with everything you said (it’s reassuring to be reminded once again that my feelings are not abnormal). I am not able to come to terms with a future without children and am constantly sad. This whole experience has had a detrimental (perhaps terminal) effect on my marriage. Friends and family have no idea of the lasting and destructive effects of not being able to have children.

    Thanks for the book recommendation, Angie, will give it a go. Take care, all of you.

    • Janie on

      Hi Jan. Join my blogspot if you want – I’m thinking of organising a hui next year so we can all get together over a glass of wine and have fun. See my reply above. I think the sadness is the hardest thing. I’m increased my cardio exercise recently and on the one had it’s giving me all these lovely endorphins to stop me being miserable, but on the other hand, I’m getting floored by situations speradically and violently! I think I’m getting numb or something. Denial or getting through it? Unsure.

  5. Angie on

    Hi Jan. Hope the book is useful… bearing in mind that there is no one resolution to our issue and that everyone will (best case scenario) find peace with it in their own way and their own time. Can’t say I’ve worked it out yet …

  6. shelley on

    it is amazing how close your blog is to my heart, i am keeping myself so busy that there is no time in my life for tears because i feel if i start i wont stop, i will honestly start screaming out loud at the next person who tells me to relax and it will happen, somedays i feel i am truly going insane, then there are the days when i tell eveyone, the lady at the supermarket, the guy at the petrol station, about my infertility, and i havent even told my parents…..
    i love that you wrote that its ok to feel like this thank you

    • Janie on

      Hi Shelley. We’ve got to fall apart over this, regularly. Otherwise we’ll make ourselves sick. Unrational screaming and wanting to steal children in supermarkets is totally fine. You’re brave to tell people – I can’t bare the thought of people seeing me “that way”. I live in a very suburban place which couldn’t be anymore of a challenge for me. I’ve stopped going to BBQ’s becuase if I hang out with the women all they talk about is their children, and if I hang out with the men they think I’m flirting, or a lesbian. We can’t win. Being busy is fine but it leaks out a lot huh. Where do you live? I can’t fall apart without my buddies – three women from all over NZ who are in the same boat. xx

  7. Marietta on

    Your blog was how I was feeling a few years back, before I was so lucky to have a beautiful son and daughter. My eyes were constantly drawn to mothers and babies – my life seemed worthless, and I seemed worthless. Everything seems to revolve around children…. There’s nothing I can say to make anyone feel better, I just can say that I’ve been there, and I know the feelings all too well. I’m currently trying for a third baby – greedy I know, but I still have a yearning for one more. I got pregnant with my 3yr old son first round of natural IUI. My 15mth old daughter I conceived with first round of IUI using injections. These past months have been tough, as I had to cancel my first IUI due to over-responding, and then two IUIs haven’t been successful. I’m thinking to try IVF.
    Janie, and everyone else here – if you’re still trying, good luck, and much love – we all deserve to be parents!

  8. LB on

    Janie your blog is great. Shelley i hear what you saying, its exactly how I feel. I’m forever keeping myself busy so I have less time to think about it

  9. Jan on

    Hi everyone. Please don’t take this the wrong way but could people who have had children please not respond to blogs about the feelings of being permanently childless. Marietta – I know you meant well and I know that you will have gone through a lot of uncertainty and pain in having your own treatment. However, the devastation is quite different when you’ve endured a multitude of unsuccessful IVF cycles and/or miscarriages and are then trying to come to terms with being permanently childless. I don’t find it at all comforting to read of other peoples success stories, the joy of successfully giving birth and the desperation of wanting to have more children (let alone a third child). I, and I know of other people in my situation who feel the same, would like to avoid hearing about the multitude of success stories as it only adds to my/our own pain. Please don’t take offence at what I’ve written, but please consider the sensitivities of people who can never experience the joy of motherhood.

  10. Chelsea on

    Well i really needed to hear your story and everyone’s comments, it really does make me feel less alone in this rollarcoaster journey i’m on. 4 years on in my journey i am sinking deeper and deeper into despair and can’t find my way up. I want time to stop so i can really just have a good ol cry.
    Some days is easier than others and i will be on here much more as my way of connecting with others on this journey.

    • Janie on

      Chelsea how are you? I’m so sorry I dropped the ball with this blog. Of course you’re not feeling any better, but are you making your way through this? Do you know what you need? Apart from the obvious of course. See above for my blogspot about organising a national hui for us all to get together and have a jolly good glass of wine. xx

  11. Angie on

    When to stop? when to stop? that’s where I am at the moment. One day I’m convinced that I’ve had enough and a child free future for us would be OK but the next morning I’m eyeing up my leftover buserelin in the fridge thinking it wasn’t so bad just one more round who knows it might work – now I know how those gamblers feel it’s addictive – just one more roll of the dice…. drugs in the fridge and photos in the drawer of our embys that didn’t make it does that mean I haven’t moved on? Roll on tomorrow things might be clearer…or not…

  12. Louise on

    In a way I’m in the same situation as Angie – when do you give up. It’s been 5 years trying but only seeing specialists in last 2 – maybe if I started earlier … That is why I’m wanting to raise awareness for fertility through shaving my head on Friday (check the website). I’m fortunate that if anything it has made my marraige stronger and my family is great, at the beginning, like for Janie, no one wanted to tell me when they got pregnant but since I’m a teacher in the babies section of a daycare, mostly I’m just really happy for other people – only the odd twinge. I’m also fortunate because of my religious beliefs. I know there’s a reason for this – maybe it’s to help build awareness. I’m extremely more fortunate because I have a daughter but just this week she asked me again when I was going to have another baby and now I’m telling her I’m not. My egg reserves are also extremely low like Robyn (0.01)so there’s no point in IVF, we thought we found an egg donor but it fell through. I’m not sure how much more I can take because every time my hopes are dashed it’s just like the first time we heard – but then just one more roll of the dice.

  13. Surrogacy on

    Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

    • Angie on

      Err what is this posting – these aren’t works of fiction yah know this is our life! Can we get rid of this Janie?

      • Janie on

        Yes, I didn’t quite get that either. So I ignored it. I ignored another good one today… oh well, at least you’re free to travel. Slap.

  14. Angie on

    Well it’s been so long since we’ve been trying for bubs that we are “regaining” some of our friends with children – the kids are now at school and becoming more independent which frees mums and dads up to hang with their childfree friends in childfree ways. If they’re sensitive, like ours have been so far, they look for topics we can all chat about and avoid too much kid conversation ahhh bless them it’s still a hulking great elephant in the room but gotta love them for trying! Am soooo tired of having the “issue” that must not be mentioned.

  15. fertilitynz on

    Hi there,
    Recently FertilityNZ, along with one of our members have started a support group that focuses on sharing experiences of having finished going through fertility treatments and not been successful, but maintaining happy lives with positive outlooks. If you would like to know more, email support@fertilitynz.org.nz and the organisers details will be supplied.

  16. Ren on

    Wow so refresing to hear people talk about what I want to talk about and understand it all! I am in shock how there is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO support books or anything really helping and supporting ones that are trying to look ahead to life with maybe not having children its so bleemin hard sometimes and you feel quite alone all the ones I knew in a simalar boat are pregnant and have kids and all our friends maybe bar one or 2 all have their families now even though we started trying before them hard to swallow at times. Anyhow after 5yrs on and off that roller coaster we are pretty much off it for good its been a long road and a very emotional one and one so many just do not understand as there is not enough education out there about it. I wrote a letter to our family and friends about where we were at at the end of our journey and to educate them even said things not to say to people that have problems in that area and one comment I also said which still rings true is the grass isnt always greener on on the other side, alot of people with kids want our life and we want theirs! cant win but got a great response about it and felt so good telling them a sipet of life as an IVFer! anyhow thanks for starting this post hope I can have contact with others in this boat as it can be a lonely place otherwise, always keen to chat :)))

  17. Janie on

    You know, I used to think life was full of amazing possibilties, now I think it is just shit. But you know, my expectations of life are now so low, it’s almost okay! I got given this ugly tea cup and tea pot set for Christmas – one of those stupid $20 preseants. This morning I made a cup of tea with real tea and the first sip was so bloody amazing. I thought, maybe this is all I can expect – some teeny wonderful moments. I don’t know. There’s no rules anymore not that I know I’m not going to have my own family. Anything goes. I’m going to India soon. I’m doing a triathlon. I’m tutoring a course. I want to learn how to bake (not really, but I like the idea.) I give up. xx

  18. Janie on

    Yes, I agree with Jan. This blog was intended so that we can be totally selfish and one track and not worry about what we say and not have to think of others. The heartache and physical pain and heartbreak of IVF is not what we’re talking about here. It’s the heartbreak of facing life without children. Everyone needs support, and I hope we all find it from the right place. I sound like a total cow. And I’m allowed to.

  19. Ren on

    You are a fantastic women Janie!love and agree with your comments, so refreshing to just say what we think trust me I tell people my opionion and at times not pretty! I am so into the Hui idea! bring it on. I said to my friend the other day once a year I would love to have a get together with the ones the understand this childless life we face and how hard it is so we can kick back have a wine and a talk about it. Yes where does everyone live? I live in Bluff as far south as one can get! You can go over to the no baby but Im ok subject as only been 2 of us on there would be nice to have some ongoing support keen to blab from time to time. We splashed out last year and went to asia – cambodia, Vietman etc was fantastic! guess more of that to come! India will be just a wild and crazy but amazing how cool! when do you plan to go ? :))

    • Janie on

      Aren’t you fabulous Ren. I think next year will definately happen. Am thinking of somewhere we can stay that’s cheap, casual, near something cool to do. I like the idea of cooking together instead of spending bucks eating out. Will think more on it. If you want to be on my ‘committee’ , let me know!!! We could skype. Great to hear you went on some travels. I’d love to go trekking in Vietnam. Great stuff. For today, I’ve been asked to babysit a friend’s four year old. I adore her wee girl and have such a lovely time, but always feel so blimmin’ tragic after. I’ve said yes and will carry through on it. Most things I don’t. My best friend has just told me she’s pregant. I’m so happy for her, but, well, you know. I haven’t contacted her since she told me. Not sure if I can bring myself to. It’s hard not to feel like a total cow. Love to us all. xx

  20. Sam on

    I am so glad I have come across this blog. My husband and I have been trying to have children for the past 8 years and have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles.
    I have to say goodbye to my dream of having children. It has been an emotional rollercoaster and I keep on asking, why me? Why can’t we have children? What’s wrong with us? I have been a wreck lately but we have to move forward with our lives.
    I really liked Ren’s comment about writing letters to family/friends to explain waht we have been through. Even though our parents have been supportive thay have their grandchildren. It would be great to have everything out in the open.
    I guess now we look forward to new adventures together.
    Take care.

    • Janie on

      It just sucks. It’s so random and totally not our faults. I’m going to organise something next year where we can all get together somehow for a weekend. We’ll have treats and drink wine and bawl and laugh a lot. Email me at janie.walker@clear.net.nz if you want to be a part of that. I’ll start sending regular emails to people who are keen, and see what we can cook up. I think it’s really important to connect with someone in your own city/town that is going through the same thing. I’ve got these three great women in my life who are in the same boat, as I think I said earlier. Three live in Wellington. I love them dearly. We laugh as much as we cry! I’ve ditched most of my friends becuase I can’t stand it when they say the wrong thing…totally not their fault. One day I’ll have a lot of grovelling to do to get them back. Or not. I’m a different person now. I’m having to shape things differently – my future, my hopes, my inspriation, the way I protect myself. My expectations from life have taken a huge dive which is shitty, but there’s something almost okay about that sometimes – I’m able to enjoy little things more. Dunno. Dunno. Arohanui.

  21. Lucy on

    Thanks everyone for such validating postings. It helps to know that you’re not going nuts as the roller coaster continues (I don’t think it ever ends). I feel as if I want to bundle up all your messages and give them to people who have no idea what it feels like. Mind you, how can we expect them to say the right things when you don’t get it until you’ve been there? About to embark on our 4th complicated IVF cycle – sometimes i wonder if there will be a ‘we’ at the end of all this. I wish I could say the journey has brought us closer. After miscarrying last year, I’ve sat watching a colleague getting larger by the day – her baby is due the same week as mine was. So, it’s a daily reminder of where I should have been. I spend my days either fixated on her stomach or avoiding being in the office. I’ve recently realised that I’ve forgotten who I am – what’s happened to the person I was four years ago? Thanks Janie for this forum, I wish I’d found it earlier.

    • Janie on

      Thanks for your email. It’s pretty heart breaking. I understand everything you say. Lots of people do. I wanted to scream into the computer “just change jobs!!!!” Totally not a helpful thing to say, I know. I had a miscarriage on my first IVF round. I know how old she would be every day. I can almost feel her sometimes. Stupid. It was probably going to be a boy anyway! My partner and I struggle too. We nearly broke up recently actually. I’m a handful. Counselling last year helped me realise he was committed to me, no matter what happened with the baby thing. I’m just going to say something that has been said before…we are all over IVF and there is no hope. I so wish you all the best of everything with your new round, but please, please, don’t come back and tell us when it works. We get that in every other area of our life. We need somewhere to go. There are other forums, lots of them. I know you’ll understand. Arohanui.

  22. Lucy on

    Hi again. I’m pretty over IVF too – probably should have said that in my last post. I guess I’m at the inbetween stage – we decided some time ago not to continue then had another go. Do others do this? You think you’ve made the call then can’t quite commit to it? I think it’s the thought of what comes beyond – a possible life with no kids does my head in. Just writing the words make me crumble into a blubbering mess. It’s no wonder our relationship is splintered with me in this state. I completely understand the purpose of this blog – but I do find the posts relevant and useful for the process I/we are experiencing – but, promise, no more talk of IVF! As it turns out, we’ve had to stop treatment – sigh.

  23. Janie on

    So sorry to hear you had to stop the round. We’re all at different stages, and they’re all so different eh. I go thru diff stages of numbness, anger, misery, happiness…all in one day sometimes. And I’m pulling away from children – I started at one in the supermarket the other day without breaking into a smile which I ALWAYS do. That felt awful. But I don’t care. I’m doing whatever I need to do. Stuff everyone else. I can’t say anything good about where I’m at, except that it’s where I’m at. Fullstop. Having motivation problems today. Am still in my pyjamas. I work from home. I can be miserable here. xx

  24. Angie on

    Talking of different stages… currently I struggle with guilt, guilt, guilt, all the time because we haven’t actually tried absolutely everything possible to have A child, all these years we’ve been totally focused on trying for OUR child. We could still adopt [locally or internationally] we could use donors for eggs or sperm or both but I just can’t bring myself to get on another freakin rollercoaster. I’m not as strong as I hoped I guess. Is just wanting OUR baby shooting myself in the foot? When I see all the different meanings of families out there I dunno maybe there’s a different kind of joy to be had. Bad day today – 2x other people’s baby announcements my head and my heart hurt.

    • Janie on

      Ah yes, the lovely guilt. I haven’t tried everything either – like theft. We’ve thought about adoption and fostering, but really, for me it is about having my own baby. I’m not actually in this to give a child a better life (I’m cringing as I’m saying this.) Which is bringing me to a different phase…if I’m not going to procreate, if I’m not going to carry the family name, do what my body (and society) is designed to do, then I have to take myself out of any normal view of the world. It feels very sad and harsh and so totally diffcult, but that’s just the shape of it. I’m miserable about it and some days I just think I can’t be bothered having a wonderful life, but I know I’m going to. There will be lots of private stuff – I’m quite an all out there person, so keeing this world of childlessness to myself, and a selection few, feels wrong – but it’s how it’s going to be. My best friend had a baby on Wednesday. I can’t even be happy for her. That’s how cut off I am. It sucks. But bloddy on with it – got to pile the wood up, write a website, put the washing on the line. Life will go on. Angie maybe adopting is something for you, but maybe you can’t even bear to think about it now. You might later. Or you might not. It’s not about strength. It’s about resting back into being ourselves again for awhile, then maybe we’ll create another opportunity. Meantime, plenty of time to scream and have evil thoughts, and glasses of wine, I say. And be gentle with ourselves which I find soooooooooooo hard to do. What town/city do you live in? Arohanui.

      • Angie on

        My new phrase I tell people is I’m not trying to get pregnant anymore I’m just trying to get happy. However I’ve found that genuinely, deep-down convincing myself my happiness does not have to rest on having children is waaay more difficult than that… I’m not there yet… just thinking “I’m not having children”, just to try it out, makes me teary-eyed. I’m in Wellington central.

  25. Misse on

    Wow thank you so much for this blog, it is just what I need especially this week.

    We have just had our second public IVF cycle and it was a negative (this week). DH and I are now ‘trying’ to come to the realisation that our dream for children is not going to happen (we cant afford private and dont want to adopt). I am so broken right now I dont even know how to get up each day and breathe the pain cuts so deep, im wondering how do you get over this? or even learn to live with it? I dont want to talk to people who havent been through this they simply dont understand the pain, it hurts, it hurts so bad. I feel like such a failure, I look at my DH and think you deserve to be with someone who can give him the child he too longs for.

    Thank you so much for your blog, this is exactly what I need right now

    • Janie on

      You are not a failure. You did not ask for this. You donot deserve it. It’s just unfair. And you don’t get over this…you get through it and become a different person, and it’s a work in progress. Believe it or not, I have such fantastic little experiences since all this, because my expectations of life are so low – I think I said that above. I am so connected to the pain of everyone now. Not in a Mother Theresa or self-destructive way, but I no longer believe in the stupid western dream. Which in the long term I know will be a good thing. You might need to go talk to someone. You and your partner are going through stuff together, but you and only you are going through what you’re going through now. This isn’t the end…just the beginning – of other options, or your new life. Yesterday I had a moment where I thought I don’t want to live the rest of my life. Then the cat threw up a fur ball on my tramping boot. I laughed. That’s life. Arohanui.

      • Misse on

        Thank you for your kind words Janie. Things are so raw at the moment I feel like curling up in my cave and telling everyone to go away, for what can they say? nothing? nothing is going to bring us the child we long for, nothing is going to make that feeling feel less! I too wonder what more can be thrown at me, i don’t expect any good to come out of this, and im so sick of people saying it will be alright or there are other options or other syupid things people say who havent gone through this…um no there is not other options unless we win lotto for treatment, there are no other options, we want a biological child hence why we are not looking at adoption as that will not fulfill our needs we have for our own; adoption is an individual choice and this is not the option we choose.
        I understand the feeling of not wanting to live the rest of my life as that is how I have been feeling since we got this news (not that I am thinking of doing anything stupid) its just the hurt cuts so deep I don’t know how to overcome it.
        lol @ your cut throwing up a fur ball

    • Janie on

      Please go and talk to someone if you think you can’t pick yourself up off the floor. Okay? Or email me janie.walker@clear.net.nz and I’ll give you my phone number. I won’t expect it. Just if you need to. There’s no hurry to overcome anything…this stuff has it’s own time. And it’ll keep changing. It’s like a rollercoaster. I’ve just booked me and my partner in for a small coach trip to a haunted maze on Friday night. I never do anything frivolous like that – it’s going to be a deborched night I know. And I think, I deserve it. I’m letting myself do different things because I figure it can’t be worse than what I go through every day. Wish me luck. Arohanui.

      • Misse on

        Hi Janie
        Thank you so much for your email address. I am still wondering how do you go on with life, with a life that is going to be missing something out of it forever? with a life that is always going to have that gap in it? I just dont think im going to ever be the same person again.
        I know the following is going to sound terrible but I am finding it even harder to deal with peoples pregnancy at the moment, a lady who was doing IVF the same time as me (on a forum) has done HPT’s and found out it is positive and this just rips me apart and I looked back on a forum when I first was dong my first IVF and nearly every lady on that forum has now had children except us; except us who the specialists cant figure out why we arent getting pregnannt, the specialists were so convinced all we would need is clomid!!!! now look at us 😦 😦
        Good on you for booking the haunted maze, I have done something similar and would never do it again, it scared the s**t out of me haha so good luck 🙂 xo

    • Janie on

      I don’t know how you go on with life. None of us do. You just do. Just because things haven’t turned out the way we thought, doesn’t mean there’s not a great life ahead. Of course we have an ocean of sadness and anger to deal with along the way. I went through my last round of IVF with an old school friend. It was fun. We spoke every day. We really needed eachother. She got pregant. I didn’t. She sent me new born photos end of last year. I didn’t even reply. She rang me once and it took me three days to get over it. I said I’d call her back and I didn’t and I probably never will. It’s totally okay to be upset at other people’s pregnancies. It’s okay to fall apart, and want them to just go away. We go through hell without any triggers like that. It’s okay to be horrible. We deserve it. I’m sure one day I’ll come to terms with it all and be a nicer person who goes to baby showers and playgrounds, but for now, I’m happy with my evil thoughts. Arohanui.

  26. Mil on

    Hi Janie and co

    Like many on here we are getting to the end of a long and painful stage of our life. Are we ready to move on? Its too early to say and if Im honest with myself, probably not yet. I cant bring myself to talk to hubby about what we are going to do next. We have just had another miscarriage after our 6th cycle of IVF. 6 IVFs resulting in an ectopic and 2 miscarriages and no frozen embies. We thought we may have hit gold this time as we managed to see a healthy heartbeat at 7 weeks, but not to be.

    I have had a few melt downs recently with people saying dumb things to me. The ultrasound scanner at the hospital before my D&C suggested I was trying too hard and did I know that many people who stopped trying suddenly got pregnant naturally. I lost it and said did she know that while that does happen sometimes and is wonderful for those it happens to, that we only ever hear about them. We never hear about the many many many others out there who stop trying and never manage to get pregnant naturally. These are couples who are quietly going about their lives with a big gaping whole in their families. They dont talk about it and therefore people dont know.

    And my mother in law, after a similar conversation where I said that probably 99% of childless couples have tried to have children, few are by choice. She said why dont they talk about it, why keep it to themselves. This is also the woman who told everyone about out first IVF cycle without our consent and much to my distress as we didnt want anyone to know. You can pick your friends eh!

    Oh I can go on and on about the dumb things people have said. Im afraid I am not the nice person I used to be anymore, I now let rip and tell people straight up when they say dumb things. But they dont understand. Either that or I go home and cry.

    Anyway slightly off topic there. While Im not sure we are ready to join you yet, its so nice to find a group of people who I can talk to if or when we choose to give up trying.

    You are all very brave and special people.

    • Janie on

      Hi Mil. That’s very heartbreaking. We all know what you’ve been through and how you are feeling. And it’s fine that you don’t know if you want to join us yet. You will or you won’t, and it’ll be in your own time. Re mother in laws…mmm…some people need a good slap. But they all mean well, and they all don’t know what to say to us. I’ve been avoiding any situation now where I might get that internal frozen feeling. My favourite seat in my favourite cafe is next to the kids play bit. I don’t go there anymore. I don’t talk to any friends who have had kids or are trying. I don’t tell my sister how miserable I am. I say I’m fine when my mother asks. Even my partner can’t tell how I am because I shut down so much, then scream at him when he doesn’t pay me enough attention! Really, this whole things is kind of loopy. One day I’ll be able to mend some relationships. So lots of love to you. We’re here. Arohanui.

  27. shelley on

    i just wanted to write to let others know who have just had the devestating negative result how it CAN change.
    i have had 2 failed cycles, i cant even do a freaking transfer as my STUPID womb and STUPID cervic is all over the place so i have to go under anethestic for them to shove 20 instrucments up “there” to try get the cathetra up “there” not fun…..
    anyway i have been down this road since oct 07 of specalists docters,ivf, lapscoperys,hyscoperys etc, i was truly a walking wreck, nearly lost my job and did lose alot of friends, including a 12 year friendship. didnt have any sort of sex life for over a year, and told lie after lie after lie, Oh we are just waiting, we dont want children… you know the rest. and yes every ivf friend is pregnant, even they have said some pretty insenstive things to me, which im sure they would be devestated if they knew.
    anyway like janie said, i picked myself up, i put a rubber band around my wirst and every time i started to get upset about my babieless life i would snap it and say a big swear word (not loud!) if someone asked me about children i would shoot them down IMMEDAITELY by saying i do not want to talk about it, nothing, not how your friend got pregnant on her 13th time, nothing, and that it is a taboo subject, that worked really well no more stupid conversations that i would end up crying later over.
    i brought a horse, got my dog pregnant, brought a business, and spend lots of time with my nephews and have seen a counseller about 10 times and you know what
    IM OK! really i am, honestly!!! you can be ok afterwards, give yourself time and do it how you want to.
    i hope this helps some of you
    janie i live in nelson and would love to catch up with someone if anyone would like to share! shellxx

  28. Janie on

    Shelley you are fantastic. I love the rubberband thing and I love the ‘got my dog pregnant’. You sound like a great person. I spent last weekend dancing to The Wiggles with my niece. I know all the words and actions to “Move your arms like Oscar.” So yes, nieces and newphews are special. There’s always a bit of a fallout after for me though – a bit of a sob in the car after I’ve dropped them off. But I’m learning to just cry then move on. Thanks again heaps. And please keep in touch and keep putting things on here, only if you want to. If you’re ever in Wellington, let me know, and if I’m ever near Nelson, yes, will definately get in contact. And I’ll get a big national get together happening for next year. We need a sponsor to give us some dosh so we can have massages and not worry about $$$!!!

  29. shelley on

    thanks janie, i just also needed to say to people who might read my last post that it doesnt mean i dont still cry and dont have to leave parties after five minutes because some stupid stranger decided to ask me my life story, i do that still and i feel myself slipping back into despair but its a lot easier to get back up to the good stuff again (noramlly a bottle of wine helps hehe)
    i NEVER felt i would talk so postively again, really never… but i still have two arms and two legs and the show must go on
    i cant sponser money janie but i own a bakery so i can give lots of yummy bread!!!! xxx

    • Janie on

      hey cool. we could have a bun and beer weekend in Nelson!!!

  30. shelley on

    ok need a rant…. why is it that people we have gone through ivf and know you cant have a baby but they have successfully managed to get pregnant, feel that you want to know how pregant they are and that they are having a boy and how their ankles hurt.
    i dont want to know!!!!
    they of all people should know how shitty that makes you feel, they can tell all there pregnant friends or mothers but not poor unfertile ME
    feel much better now thanks!!!

  31. Janie on

    Rants are good. They don’t mean to be mean. There’s this thing that pregnant women get I think – they’re so happy they become slightly (and not so slightly) incapable of being sensitive. Just keep a visual image of swollen ankles. That should help! It’s no wonder we withdraw a little from the world huh. I’m going to design a new range of tshirts for us. Any suggestions?

  32. shelley on

    what about for the tshirts the same as the tui ads
    pregnant, yeah right….. maybe if we do that tui will sponser us!!

    • Janie on

      Just put something in about Mother’s Day. Am hoping it went okay for you. Arohanui.

    • caryn on

      I absolutely LOVE this idea! Let’s get some printed and we can wear them at our ‘bread & beer’ catch-up!

      • Janie on

        yea yea yea. Hey I’ve just set a date for a national get together – August 14-15. Stick it in your diary. Maybe in Nelson!!!

  33. Janie on

    Okay so today is Mother’s Day. I managed to get through the day with only aches in my throat. Then I went to see this beautiful sound installation at the city art gallery and out it poured! It’s a hard day for me, and always will be. It doesn’t stop me having wonderful feelings towards my mother and celebrating for her. But there are so many happy women around today with their own families, something I will never have. Well, I have my own family – two step-teens, a dog, a cat, and an interesting future. So Happy Interesting Futures to us all. Arohanui.

  34. Lisa on

    Can anyone help me, is there anyone is CHC that can help me make sense of the prospect of a childless future, anyone that has been strung out by the IVF process and instead of wanting to give love and life left to decide if they should continue to emotionally and financially bankrupt their family based on the most dismal odds. I need a friend(s). x

  35. Janie on

    One of my precious new friends has just moved up from Christchurch. Sorry!!! But hey, I’ve had so many people ask me, from all over NZ. So, I’m going to set a date where we can all get together. AUGUST 14th and 15th. There. Put it in your diary, and watch this space for details. Make sure you tick the ‘notify me’ button when you put a comment in. But, the weekend would be for women who have no choice left (that sounds so awful) and have started to make inroads on that.

  36. shelley on

    i may try and get hold of someone from tui beer to see about those t shirts!
    lisa i am so sorry you feel like that, god its a hopeless thought isnt it, i got told its in our instincts to procreate thats why we feel such a need to do it, makes sense. there are really no words to make you feel better, i wish i could, i wish i could take all the emotional bullshit out of infertility, i have had a saying for many years that i have used when life gets tough or i am being a drama queen and that is, i still have two arms and two legs, it brings me back to earth a little bit.
    i live in nelson and if you ever wanted to come here i could take you for a horse ride on the beach, that is my happy placexxxx

    • Janie on

      Sigh. No, noone can make the bullshit and pain go away!!! But we can make great friends through this and have a laugh every now and again. If anyone is heading to Wellington, please let me know and we’ll get together. Laugher and crying are a magical combination!!! That thing about procreating is a real hard one for me because it’s basically the main purpose for being alive. So take that away, and what the hell is the point??? But throughout history many women have not had children and they’ve had amazing lives. Okay, so some were burnt at the stake, but hey! We don’t fit into the stupid ‘normal’ thing. Okay, so we don’t fit in. We fit into our own shape. That’s got to be okay. We’ll be stronger for it. I know that. I already am. I’m also weaker and more vulnerable (on a daily basis) but I’m also expecting great things. Bloody better anyway. xxxxxx

  37. Janie on

    I think that get together date of August was a bit keen! Some of you have told me you are keen to participate. I need a few more responses if you want to come. It’ll be a very casual, fun weekend where the only objective is to have fun. Email me at janie.walker@clear.net.nz if you are at all remotely interested. No pressue, no committment, just a step towards not feeling so foreign. Arohanui. xxxx

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